i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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