I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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