from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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