My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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