i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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