Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
