I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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