Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Ladies don't puke and tell
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
