We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
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YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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