He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
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Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
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It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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