fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
