Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
