I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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