1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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