i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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