I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think i got beer on your cat.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
