It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
