I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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