Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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