I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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