The maid of honor just puked.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
