I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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