I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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