i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize