This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
