Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
