New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
