Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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