I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
