Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
