a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
