So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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