Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
