dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
