My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
