then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
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Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
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Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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