so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
zippers are such a cool invention
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
how drunk are you?
Several
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
