i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
