apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
