i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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