i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
