just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
