I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
