genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
