i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
