I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
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