theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I still have a little drunk in my system
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
