Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
