My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
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Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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