Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
