here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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