I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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