my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
