Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
