she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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